A friend of mine has 2-month old twin granddaughters who joined their 19-month old sister at home a little over a week ago. When I asked how everyone was doing, my friend advised that they were in "survival mode." If I had three kids under the age of 2, I might be in an inpatient therapy program, so in my opinion "survival mode" is worthy of applause.
Experts aplenty write about this phenomenon in pregnancy and parenting magazines in an effort to a) prepare new parents for the inevitable and b) reassure them that this phase won't last forever. While five years is by no means "forever", it's a heckuva long time to be in "survival mode." I know, because that's where my husband and I have spent the past five years of our lives. I'm not sure if that means that our learning curve is steeper than most or that our children are more high maintenance than most. Either way, if we were being graded on our ability to emerge from "survival mode", we wouldn't be at the top of our class.
For those who aren't parents, or for those parents whose children's medical school graduations have eased the sting of "survival mode", let me paint you a picture of what it's like to live there.
In "survival mode", sleep deprivation is Enemy Number One. Despite the fact that infants allegedly require a ridiculous amount of sleep, most seem to prefer to indulge that need on a first and second shift production schedule, spending the overnight hours regaling their bleary-eyed parents with endearing feats like pooping with such force that it necessitates a full linen change before you could even consider returning the kid to his or her bed.
We have friends whose babies slept like little logs from day one. We envied those friends. We resented those friends. Sometimes we considered making voodoo dolls of those friends. (Just kidding.)
I will admit that we compounded our sleep problems by having our second child just as our first was starting to get with the program. Our son woke up for a 4 a.m. snack every morning of his life until I finally employed "tough love" (another concept with which I was not previously acquainted until having children) a few short months before he turned one. I think my husband and I enjoyed approximately six months of decent sleep before No. 3 arrived this past summer. True to our DNA's form, she seems to despise sleep.
The second indicator that you're in "survival mode" is the state of affairs in your kitchen and laundry room. If you have to eat dinner off of a bread plate and dry your body with a hand towel, then you're either living in a fraternity house or "survival mode." I consider myself a success if our clothes are clean. I award myself bonus points if they're folded and tucked into laundry baskets. On the rare occasion that they actually make the leap from laundry basket to dresser drawer, I treat myself to a day at the spa. Or, I would if I could find the time and money to do so.
Which brings me to a third key feature of "survival mode": neither the clock nor your bank account are on your side. If you have the fiscal means, you'll pay for help - a nanny to diaper, bathe and feed the tot; a cleaning service to dust, polish and disinfect the house; a personal chef to shop, chop and serve the meals. If you have any one of these, you can't be in "survival mode." Parents like me who have none of those won't allow you to stake a claim to our pain.
But while money may buy you help, and thus free you up to indulge in luxuries like exercise, sleep and bowel movements sans an audience, it won't buy you more time. And when you're in "survival mode", time is a scarce commodity. People who don't have kids but would like to someday should heed the inherent warning in the words of any parent they hear lament, "I used to waste so much time before I had kids!"
That ain't no joke. So figure out your favorite way to waste time, and waste away! Savor every moment of your reality TV show. Rejoice every time you run a quick errand, because "quick errand" becomes an oxymoron once you add a kid or two (or three) to the trip. And, hey, if you don't have anything else to do, consider volunteering a couple of hours to a good cause. Like babysitting for your mother-of-three friend who is in desperate need of a nap/shower/latte.
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