Help Wanted

Salary.com has a fun Mom Wizard tool that helps moms - both stay-at-home and "working" - calculate their hypothetical average annual mom salary based on how many hours each week they devote to duties associated with traditional roles from janitor to psychologist. Based on what 6,000-plus stay-at-home moms reported in a 2012 survey, they're worth an average of $112,962 per year and earn most of that by clocking some serious overtime. Since I'm a "working" mom, my fictitious annual paycheck is slightly higher at $121,000 and change.

While you don't apply and interview to be a mom (consider the impact on population if that was, in fact, the process), I would envision the posting looking something like the following:

Position Title: R.E.M (Results Everywhere Mom)

Description: The R.E.M. serves as Subject Matter Expert on all topics and utility player for home and away teams.

Responsibilities: Space restrictions prevent posting here. See Addendum for details.

Required Skills: Must be able to multitask, think on your feet, sympathize (with children who've scraped their knees, husbands who've 'had a rough day', etc.) and operate on fewer than five hours of sleep. Mastery of these skills qualifies applicants to perform all tasks associated with said position as well as Executive Leader of Any Country in the World. Responsibilities may differ. See specific Executive Leader postings for details and application requirements.


Preferred Characteristics:

• Able to execute all tasks (see Addendum) with one hand. In addition to responsibilities associated with the role, this preference applies to conducting personal activities, including hygiene and electronic communication.
• Agreeable to time and temperature constrictions on mealtimes. Specifically, must be able to consume meals while standing, walking, driving or breastfeeding anywhere from 30 seconds to 30 minutes after the food has been served.
• Adept at teaching complex concepts (e.g. time, space, appropriateness, etc.) and answering questions from the routine (are we almost there?) to the uncomfortable (how did that baby get in your belly, and how is it going to get out?)
• Possessed of a superhuman immune system, ensuring that all job responsibilities, as outlined in Addendum, are executed 24 hours per day, seven days per week through viral, bacterial and previously unidentified family epidemics.

Benefits Package: Medical and 401(k) plans vary by location. Holidays and vacations are negotiable but not guaranteed. The R.E.M. is excluded from labor union opportunities.